:)

I have been neglecting this blog lately and I feel pretty bad. 

A lot has changed in my life and I am happier than ever before. First and foremost, I have been filled with a lot of hope about my current situation with my son. I cannot go into details, but I am pretty excited and hopeful for the future. My son is my entire world and I'd fight for him until my last dying breath. I will absolutely never give up on fighting for what I know in my heart is right. 

I have so much in my life to be thankful for and it's pretty crazy that I ever failed to see that. Just the very fact that I can wake up each and every morning is something to be thankful for. I have a lot more than many people have, and I will never take that for granted. 

My main problem was that I would focus all my time and energy on what I didn't have instead of taking the time to see that I am truly blessed. 

Another update I have is that I finally found someone that loves me for who I am. This person makes me feel more alive than ever before. I believe that all those depressed and lonely night I experienced were worth going through because I finally found what I have been looking for my entire life. I feel safe, I feel loved, and for the first time I feel like someone truly cares about me. I feel such a strong connection with this person and I never thought it was possible to feel like this. 

So basically, life is great! :) 

Rant.

It's nights like these where I feel my loneliest. I hate nights like these. The whole day could go perfectly, but once the nighttime hits me, I realize I'm alone. In the past few months of being alone, it hasn't gotten any easier. 

I know my marriage sucked. I know that basically every single relationship I ever had sucked, but what I miss about each one of those past relationships was just the feeling of closeness. I miss that more than anything. I miss having someone sleeping beside me. I miss being held throughout the night. I miss waking up in someone's arms. I just really miss that connection more than anything. 

I am trying so hard to be more independent. I want more than anything to depend less on others. I just feel like I need to have that sort of connection with someone to be able to be happy. I don't know why that is. I guess it's just all I am used to. I am used to always being in a relationship. Being single is not something I have really ever been since I started dating in my teen years. I guess that's pretty bad and I should probably enjoy being single. 

And something I just don't understand, why does every single guy expect sex without commitment? I don't get it. What happened to guys that gave a shit about things other than just sex? Every single guy that I have been remotely interested in lately has wanted nothing more than sex. I get my hopes up for nothing. But I guess that's my own fault. I really shouldn't expect anything more from anyone. People just basically suck.

I want a sweet guy that will hold my hand. A guy that will look me in the eyes and tell me that I am beautiful and not "sexy" or "hot". I want a guy that will not only be my partner, but I want him to also be my best friend. I want someone that will make me laugh but someone that also knows when to be serious. I want a guy that will go on adventures with me and be spontaneous. I want someone that can handle my spunky personality and crazy sense of humor. I want someone romantic, but not over the top love story romantic. I like sweet gestures instead of expensive elaborate things. I guess I'm asking too much. Guys like that don't even exist, do they? 

Oh well. 

What the hell?

I have no idea what's going on with me lately. My mind has been in a million different places at once and I can no longer focus on anything. I feel like I am walking around in a daze and I really hate this feeling. Last night at work there were a couple of times when I completely forgot where the hell I even was. I wish I knew what was wrong with me. It's kind of freaking me out.

A Few Things

I feel compelled to write about a certain topic today. I really don't care if it pisses anyone off either. If you don't like it, stop reading. This is my blog and I'm not going to watch what I say in it. I don't care if I offend anyone. 

So, pretty much I have been getting pissed off at the human race a lot lately. It just seems like no matter what people do, they just end up pissing me off. Even the ones that are just trying to help me, they make me mad and I just want them to leave me alone. 

I don't want your help. I am not worth your worry and concern. Just let me live my life the way that I chose to. 

Stop involving me in your drama. I have enough of my own, thank you very much. And for the record, I don't want your ugly boyfriend! I wouldn't touch him with a ten foot pole!! If I wanted him, believe me honey I'd have him. But, ew, no don't even go there. 

And I just have to say that this isn't directed towards my close friends. You know I love you and I wouldn't be here without you. I'm just talking about the random people that barely know anything about me and they stick their nose in my life and try to tell me how I should change my life. 

I don't need that. 

Yes, my life is pretty much screwed up right now. Trust me, I know. I live with it every single day. I don't need you pointing out everything that I have done wrong in my life.

You don't know the facts though. Only a few people do. So please, just stay out of it. If you want to support me, fine, that's nice. I can never have enough supporters. But if you are going to pretend you know everything, when you really have no idea, and then tell me what to do, you can move the fuck on because I don't need you. 

Alrighty, now that I have gotten that off my chest I am going to try and enjoy the rest of my day. You guys do the same! 

Breaking the Chains

I haven't written in a while. I've just been keeping myself busy. Hanging out with friends a lot, enjoying the sunshine, and just having a good time. 

Pretty soon I am going to be moving to my friend's house. I just have to find a job in the city she lives in. I can't wait to get out of where I am living now. For those that know me well, you already know why this is. For the ones that don't, just know that I went through a lot of shit growing up with the person I am living with now. Shit that no one should ever have had to go through. Shit that makes me constantly live in fear as long as this person is near. 

I know I should let those past events effect who I am today, but I really can't help it. Every single day I am constantly reminded about the things that happened. I can't get over it no matter how hard I try. Every single moment of my life I am constantly worried about what may happen to me. I'm scared to sleep, I'm scared to breathe. I just need to get out of here and start a new beginning. I need to move on to the next chapter of my life. 

I'm ready to break free from these chains and learn to fly on my own. 

I thought I was doing that when I got married. I thought I was escaping my troubled life and that's why I got married at such a young age. It was a very stupid decision though. It just ended up causing more problems in my life. More experiences I shouldn't have had to go through. 

But I am smarter now. At least I hope I am.. 

Happiness

Hi my name is Becca and for the first time in my entire life I can say that I am truly happy. 

 

It was a long hard journey to get here, but I finally made it. I'm here and I am loving every single second of it. Today for the first time, I was taking a long  walk by myself and I was realizing how nice it was to be alone. I spent way too long wishing I had someone, but to tell you the truth, I don't need anyone to enjoy life. All I needed to do was find the happiness within myself and today I finally did just that. 

 

I know there are going to be times that I hate the very thought of being alone. I know there will be times that I feel like I need someone to be happy. That's life though and I am expecting to have moments where I feel like that. But I will know that those feelings will pass. 

I still want to get out there and date, but I am in no rush to find anyone. If the right person shows up, then great, if not, it's not a big deal. I will not be discouraged if I don't find someone right away because I really don't want to find someone right away. I want to take things very slow this time. Something I never really did before. I want to be able to enjoy dating. I want to enjoy meeting new people. I want to enjoy getting to know someone the best that I can. 

 

 

So, I just want to say to all my readers that are going through hard times in their lives, look past all the negative in your life. Take time to get to know the person you really are. Find the happiness within yourself. It may take a long time to do, but you will and the journey will be so rewarding. 

 

The Future

Today was another great day. I am happy that I am finally having more good days then bad. I am finally sticking with what I have been trying to do for years: staying positive. It's definitely working and helping me change my life around. It's giving me more motivation to plan for the future. It is even giving me motivation to set goals for myself and work on achieving them. 

I know I should have been doing this years ago, but I didn't. I didn't start thinking positive until now. I really have no idea why. I guess I just finally let my depression control me and I just ended up giving up. My depression got so bad to the point I no longer had any hope for anything. I think I have finally found an antidepressant and the correct dosage to actually have a positive effect in me. 

I am honestly not ashamed to say that I am on medication. I used to be ashamed of the fact. I never wanted anyone to know. But you know what? I'm not ashamed anymore. I finally took the step I needed to get help and for that I am proud of myself. The medication is actually helping me, so why be ashamed of that. I am also not ashamed to say that I speak to a therapist once a week. It helps me. It helps being able to talk to someone I trust about whatever is going on in my life and try to cope with it in a positive way. 

And honestly? I haven't had a single suicidal thought in months. It used to be a daily occurrence for me to wish I were dead. That's how bad the depression was. I thought I would be better of dead. I had literally convinced myself that I had absolutely no purpose and the world would be a better place if I just killed myself. I definitely haven't been thinking like that lately. I know I have a purpose, whatever it may be, because every single person on the planet has a purpose. You are meant to be here for a reason. The world needs you. 

I really don't know how all of this stuff is coming from me. I was never like this before. I never thought that I would be able to change. I thought I would be negative and miserable for the rest of my life. I was so wrong though! All I needed was to reach out and admit that I needed help and boom! A whole new Becca is formed! How cool is that? I am happy with the change so far! 

I know that I'm still depressed. I know that I still have a lot of issues that I need to figure out how to work out. But right now I am absolutely thrilled with the progress that I am making so far. 

Enjoy Life

It's going to be a good day today, I can already feel it. The weather is absolutely perfect, I am off work today, and I have fun things planned. Nothing is going to I mess my day up. I am feeling happy and positive today. I can't stop smiling. Life is really amazing and I hate that I ever took it for granted.

You know, I used to always think that my life was just absolutely terrible and it wasn't even worth living. That is so far from the truth though. Yes, things go wrong in life, but they only make you stronger. I can't believe I didn't see this sooner. I hate that I spent so many years absolutely miserable just because I was too blind to see the light at the end of tunnel. 

No more though. No more am I going to live in misery. I don't care what negative things are going on in my life, there is always more positive things to focus on. There is no point in wasting time focusing on all the bad in life. You can't actually enjoy living that way. 

And I don't know about you, but I really want to enjoy life. 

Dating

I decided that I'm ready to start dating again. After getting burned from the last guy, I was really scared to meet anyone else. But alas, I think I'm finally emotionally ready to try and find someone else. I know the perfect guy for me is out there, I just have to find him. I'm not in any real rush to find someone either. I know finding the right guy takes time and I'm okay with that. I am just kind of both excited and nervous about jumping back into the dating world. I think I have learned a lot from my past mistakes to know exactly what I am looking for in a guy. I just want someone mature for once. Someone who isn't into playing games with me and who wants the same things that I do. I'm actually going to be picky this time. I'm not going to settle for less than what I have always dreamed of. If it takes me the rest of my life to find the perfect guy this way, that's fine by me.

Broken

Broken is pretty much what I am feeling and have been feeling for quite some time. My whole world came crashing down recently and I lost the most important thing in the entire world to me. No one understands exactly why I did what I did, and I gave up trying to make people understand. I know the situation I was going through at the time and I know why I make the decision to leave. You can call me selfish, stupid, a bad mother, whatever you wish. 

Your words will no longer tear me down though. 

I don't care what you think. I don't care what you believe. I know the whole story. I was there. I lived through it. It's really none of your business. 

Yes, I am hurting every single day because of my decision, but you know what? I don't have regrets. My main concern has always been and always will be my son. The decision I made was for my son. I really don't have to explain myself to you or anyone else. It no longer hurts me when I realize people are against me instead of supporting me. 

The love of my son gives me the strength to go on. 

I guess what I am trying to say is, I'm going to make it through the storm with or without your support. You can say what you want about me, but you are only wasting your breath. 

And I want to say thank you for all the people that have stuck by me through it all. You mean so much to me. I love you. 

Sunshine

I had an amazing day off today. The weather couldn't have been better. I went to the beach with a good friend. Felt the sand between my toes, the sunshine on my face, and the cold water up to my ankles. It would really great. I couldn't have asked for a better day off. 

I am a simple woman. It doesn't take much to make me happy. Just let me go outside and enjoy nature and I'll be smiling for days. I absolutely love nature. I have never been the type to want to stay indoors. I feel trapped when I'm inside. 

Feeling my skin soak up the rays of the sun just makes me feel so happy. I love that feeling. I am glad we finally got a nice day for once. It has been raining here a lot. I hate cloudy rainy days. They just make me feel the need to curl up next to someone and watch a good movie. I don't have anyone to cuddle with though. For now I'll settle for cuddling with my dogs!

Days like today just make me feel happy to be alive. 

The beach where I was today

Survival

I had a therapy session today which was really hard. It seems like every time I go she knows exactly how to break down my walls. I guess that's her job. It just feel really weird finally talking to someone about my past. I spent my entire life trying to stuff all of my horrible past experiences inside to forget about. The truth is though, I can never forget. I'll never be able to forget no matter how far down I stuff the past. So, I guess it's better to finally accept what happened to me and move on from these experiences instead of pretending they never happened. 

It is really hard living with this guilt. I blame myself for all the bad experiences that happened to me in my past. I talked a lot about the guilt with my therapist today and she tried to convince me that nothing was my fault, I was young, there was nothing more that could have been done to protect myself. I can't let go of the guilt though no matter how hard I try. No matter how hard I try to convince myself that I could have done nothing differently, I can't stop blaming myself. I really hope that one day I can overcome this because this weight on my shoulders is getting to be too much. 

The important thing though is that I survived. I have been through hell and back but I am a survivor. I made it through and I am only stronger because of these experiences. I know I'm a bit screwed up because of these things that happened to me, but it doesn't make me a bad person. It just makes me someone that needs to learn how to move past it all. I need to learn how to let that sink in because I always feel like my past experiences define the person that I am today. That's not the case though. Nothing can take back what happened and it's important that I learn how to let it go and let it stop affecting who I am today. 

I am still living with this fear. I'm still living with this guilt. The important thing is that I am still living. I may never fully get over what happened but I need to stop letting this fear control me. 

And I will. 

Introduction

The past couple of months of my life have been a time to find out who I really am. Because the truth is, I never really knew who I was as an individual. I was always focused on fitting in and being like everyone else that I never took time to embrace my unique traits and to truly love myself for the person I really am. 

I have learned a lot about myself these past few weeks. I have learned that I can shine as an individual all on my own instead of needing someone to lean on. Sure, I would love to have someone in my life, but the truth is, I don't need to have someone. I can find happiness within myself. I have learned to accept life for what it is. I have also learned that it is better to stop living in the past and regretting decisions that were made because let's face it, no matter how long I spend moping around over my past mistakes, it will never change a single thing that happened in the past. 

No matter what you have faced in your life, whether good or bad, be thankful that you made it through it. You are a survivor. I am a survivor. 

Even in your darkest hour, look within yourself to find that ray of light that keeps you going. It's there, you just have to keep looking until you find it. 

Without hope, what's the point?