Rant.

It's nights like these where I feel my loneliest. I hate nights like these. The whole day could go perfectly, but once the nighttime hits me, I realize I'm alone. In the past few months of being alone, it hasn't gotten any easier. 

I know my marriage sucked. I know that basically every single relationship I ever had sucked, but what I miss about each one of those past relationships was just the feeling of closeness. I miss that more than anything. I miss having someone sleeping beside me. I miss being held throughout the night. I miss waking up in someone's arms. I just really miss that connection more than anything. 

I am trying so hard to be more independent. I want more than anything to depend less on others. I just feel like I need to have that sort of connection with someone to be able to be happy. I don't know why that is. I guess it's just all I am used to. I am used to always being in a relationship. Being single is not something I have really ever been since I started dating in my teen years. I guess that's pretty bad and I should probably enjoy being single. 

And something I just don't understand, why does every single guy expect sex without commitment? I don't get it. What happened to guys that gave a shit about things other than just sex? Every single guy that I have been remotely interested in lately has wanted nothing more than sex. I get my hopes up for nothing. But I guess that's my own fault. I really shouldn't expect anything more from anyone. People just basically suck.

I want a sweet guy that will hold my hand. A guy that will look me in the eyes and tell me that I am beautiful and not "sexy" or "hot". I want a guy that will not only be my partner, but I want him to also be my best friend. I want someone that will make me laugh but someone that also knows when to be serious. I want a guy that will go on adventures with me and be spontaneous. I want someone that can handle my spunky personality and crazy sense of humor. I want someone romantic, but not over the top love story romantic. I like sweet gestures instead of expensive elaborate things. I guess I'm asking too much. Guys like that don't even exist, do they? 

Oh well. 

What the hell?

I have no idea what's going on with me lately. My mind has been in a million different places at once and I can no longer focus on anything. I feel like I am walking around in a daze and I really hate this feeling. Last night at work there were a couple of times when I completely forgot where the hell I even was. I wish I knew what was wrong with me. It's kind of freaking me out.

A Few Things

I feel compelled to write about a certain topic today. I really don't care if it pisses anyone off either. If you don't like it, stop reading. This is my blog and I'm not going to watch what I say in it. I don't care if I offend anyone. 

So, pretty much I have been getting pissed off at the human race a lot lately. It just seems like no matter what people do, they just end up pissing me off. Even the ones that are just trying to help me, they make me mad and I just want them to leave me alone. 

I don't want your help. I am not worth your worry and concern. Just let me live my life the way that I chose to. 

Stop involving me in your drama. I have enough of my own, thank you very much. And for the record, I don't want your ugly boyfriend! I wouldn't touch him with a ten foot pole!! If I wanted him, believe me honey I'd have him. But, ew, no don't even go there. 

And I just have to say that this isn't directed towards my close friends. You know I love you and I wouldn't be here without you. I'm just talking about the random people that barely know anything about me and they stick their nose in my life and try to tell me how I should change my life. 

I don't need that. 

Yes, my life is pretty much screwed up right now. Trust me, I know. I live with it every single day. I don't need you pointing out everything that I have done wrong in my life.

You don't know the facts though. Only a few people do. So please, just stay out of it. If you want to support me, fine, that's nice. I can never have enough supporters. But if you are going to pretend you know everything, when you really have no idea, and then tell me what to do, you can move the fuck on because I don't need you. 

Alrighty, now that I have gotten that off my chest I am going to try and enjoy the rest of my day. You guys do the same! 

Breaking the Chains

I haven't written in a while. I've just been keeping myself busy. Hanging out with friends a lot, enjoying the sunshine, and just having a good time. 

Pretty soon I am going to be moving to my friend's house. I just have to find a job in the city she lives in. I can't wait to get out of where I am living now. For those that know me well, you already know why this is. For the ones that don't, just know that I went through a lot of shit growing up with the person I am living with now. Shit that no one should ever have had to go through. Shit that makes me constantly live in fear as long as this person is near. 

I know I should let those past events effect who I am today, but I really can't help it. Every single day I am constantly reminded about the things that happened. I can't get over it no matter how hard I try. Every single moment of my life I am constantly worried about what may happen to me. I'm scared to sleep, I'm scared to breathe. I just need to get out of here and start a new beginning. I need to move on to the next chapter of my life. 

I'm ready to break free from these chains and learn to fly on my own. 

I thought I was doing that when I got married. I thought I was escaping my troubled life and that's why I got married at such a young age. It was a very stupid decision though. It just ended up causing more problems in my life. More experiences I shouldn't have had to go through. 

But I am smarter now. At least I hope I am.. 

Happiness

Hi my name is Becca and for the first time in my entire life I can say that I am truly happy. 

 

It was a long hard journey to get here, but I finally made it. I'm here and I am loving every single second of it. Today for the first time, I was taking a long  walk by myself and I was realizing how nice it was to be alone. I spent way too long wishing I had someone, but to tell you the truth, I don't need anyone to enjoy life. All I needed to do was find the happiness within myself and today I finally did just that. 

 

I know there are going to be times that I hate the very thought of being alone. I know there will be times that I feel like I need someone to be happy. That's life though and I am expecting to have moments where I feel like that. But I will know that those feelings will pass. 

I still want to get out there and date, but I am in no rush to find anyone. If the right person shows up, then great, if not, it's not a big deal. I will not be discouraged if I don't find someone right away because I really don't want to find someone right away. I want to take things very slow this time. Something I never really did before. I want to be able to enjoy dating. I want to enjoy meeting new people. I want to enjoy getting to know someone the best that I can. 

 

 

So, I just want to say to all my readers that are going through hard times in their lives, look past all the negative in your life. Take time to get to know the person you really are. Find the happiness within yourself. It may take a long time to do, but you will and the journey will be so rewarding.