The Future

Today was another great day. I am happy that I am finally having more good days then bad. I am finally sticking with what I have been trying to do for years: staying positive. It's definitely working and helping me change my life around. It's giving me more motivation to plan for the future. It is even giving me motivation to set goals for myself and work on achieving them. 

I know I should have been doing this years ago, but I didn't. I didn't start thinking positive until now. I really have no idea why. I guess I just finally let my depression control me and I just ended up giving up. My depression got so bad to the point I no longer had any hope for anything. I think I have finally found an antidepressant and the correct dosage to actually have a positive effect in me. 

I am honestly not ashamed to say that I am on medication. I used to be ashamed of the fact. I never wanted anyone to know. But you know what? I'm not ashamed anymore. I finally took the step I needed to get help and for that I am proud of myself. The medication is actually helping me, so why be ashamed of that. I am also not ashamed to say that I speak to a therapist once a week. It helps me. It helps being able to talk to someone I trust about whatever is going on in my life and try to cope with it in a positive way. 

And honestly? I haven't had a single suicidal thought in months. It used to be a daily occurrence for me to wish I were dead. That's how bad the depression was. I thought I would be better of dead. I had literally convinced myself that I had absolutely no purpose and the world would be a better place if I just killed myself. I definitely haven't been thinking like that lately. I know I have a purpose, whatever it may be, because every single person on the planet has a purpose. You are meant to be here for a reason. The world needs you. 

I really don't know how all of this stuff is coming from me. I was never like this before. I never thought that I would be able to change. I thought I would be negative and miserable for the rest of my life. I was so wrong though! All I needed was to reach out and admit that I needed help and boom! A whole new Becca is formed! How cool is that? I am happy with the change so far! 

I know that I'm still depressed. I know that I still have a lot of issues that I need to figure out how to work out. But right now I am absolutely thrilled with the progress that I am making so far. 

Enjoy Life

It's going to be a good day today, I can already feel it. The weather is absolutely perfect, I am off work today, and I have fun things planned. Nothing is going to I mess my day up. I am feeling happy and positive today. I can't stop smiling. Life is really amazing and I hate that I ever took it for granted.

You know, I used to always think that my life was just absolutely terrible and it wasn't even worth living. That is so far from the truth though. Yes, things go wrong in life, but they only make you stronger. I can't believe I didn't see this sooner. I hate that I spent so many years absolutely miserable just because I was too blind to see the light at the end of tunnel. 

No more though. No more am I going to live in misery. I don't care what negative things are going on in my life, there is always more positive things to focus on. There is no point in wasting time focusing on all the bad in life. You can't actually enjoy living that way. 

And I don't know about you, but I really want to enjoy life. 

Dating

I decided that I'm ready to start dating again. After getting burned from the last guy, I was really scared to meet anyone else. But alas, I think I'm finally emotionally ready to try and find someone else. I know the perfect guy for me is out there, I just have to find him. I'm not in any real rush to find someone either. I know finding the right guy takes time and I'm okay with that. I am just kind of both excited and nervous about jumping back into the dating world. I think I have learned a lot from my past mistakes to know exactly what I am looking for in a guy. I just want someone mature for once. Someone who isn't into playing games with me and who wants the same things that I do. I'm actually going to be picky this time. I'm not going to settle for less than what I have always dreamed of. If it takes me the rest of my life to find the perfect guy this way, that's fine by me.

Broken

Broken is pretty much what I am feeling and have been feeling for quite some time. My whole world came crashing down recently and I lost the most important thing in the entire world to me. No one understands exactly why I did what I did, and I gave up trying to make people understand. I know the situation I was going through at the time and I know why I make the decision to leave. You can call me selfish, stupid, a bad mother, whatever you wish. 

Your words will no longer tear me down though. 

I don't care what you think. I don't care what you believe. I know the whole story. I was there. I lived through it. It's really none of your business. 

Yes, I am hurting every single day because of my decision, but you know what? I don't have regrets. My main concern has always been and always will be my son. The decision I made was for my son. I really don't have to explain myself to you or anyone else. It no longer hurts me when I realize people are against me instead of supporting me. 

The love of my son gives me the strength to go on. 

I guess what I am trying to say is, I'm going to make it through the storm with or without your support. You can say what you want about me, but you are only wasting your breath. 

And I want to say thank you for all the people that have stuck by me through it all. You mean so much to me. I love you. 

Sunshine

I had an amazing day off today. The weather couldn't have been better. I went to the beach with a good friend. Felt the sand between my toes, the sunshine on my face, and the cold water up to my ankles. It would really great. I couldn't have asked for a better day off. 

I am a simple woman. It doesn't take much to make me happy. Just let me go outside and enjoy nature and I'll be smiling for days. I absolutely love nature. I have never been the type to want to stay indoors. I feel trapped when I'm inside. 

Feeling my skin soak up the rays of the sun just makes me feel so happy. I love that feeling. I am glad we finally got a nice day for once. It has been raining here a lot. I hate cloudy rainy days. They just make me feel the need to curl up next to someone and watch a good movie. I don't have anyone to cuddle with though. For now I'll settle for cuddling with my dogs!

Days like today just make me feel happy to be alive. 

The beach where I was today

Survival

I had a therapy session today which was really hard. It seems like every time I go she knows exactly how to break down my walls. I guess that's her job. It just feel really weird finally talking to someone about my past. I spent my entire life trying to stuff all of my horrible past experiences inside to forget about. The truth is though, I can never forget. I'll never be able to forget no matter how far down I stuff the past. So, I guess it's better to finally accept what happened to me and move on from these experiences instead of pretending they never happened. 

It is really hard living with this guilt. I blame myself for all the bad experiences that happened to me in my past. I talked a lot about the guilt with my therapist today and she tried to convince me that nothing was my fault, I was young, there was nothing more that could have been done to protect myself. I can't let go of the guilt though no matter how hard I try. No matter how hard I try to convince myself that I could have done nothing differently, I can't stop blaming myself. I really hope that one day I can overcome this because this weight on my shoulders is getting to be too much. 

The important thing though is that I survived. I have been through hell and back but I am a survivor. I made it through and I am only stronger because of these experiences. I know I'm a bit screwed up because of these things that happened to me, but it doesn't make me a bad person. It just makes me someone that needs to learn how to move past it all. I need to learn how to let that sink in because I always feel like my past experiences define the person that I am today. That's not the case though. Nothing can take back what happened and it's important that I learn how to let it go and let it stop affecting who I am today. 

I am still living with this fear. I'm still living with this guilt. The important thing is that I am still living. I may never fully get over what happened but I need to stop letting this fear control me. 

And I will. 

Introduction

The past couple of months of my life have been a time to find out who I really am. Because the truth is, I never really knew who I was as an individual. I was always focused on fitting in and being like everyone else that I never took time to embrace my unique traits and to truly love myself for the person I really am. 

I have learned a lot about myself these past few weeks. I have learned that I can shine as an individual all on my own instead of needing someone to lean on. Sure, I would love to have someone in my life, but the truth is, I don't need to have someone. I can find happiness within myself. I have learned to accept life for what it is. I have also learned that it is better to stop living in the past and regretting decisions that were made because let's face it, no matter how long I spend moping around over my past mistakes, it will never change a single thing that happened in the past. 

No matter what you have faced in your life, whether good or bad, be thankful that you made it through it. You are a survivor. I am a survivor. 

Even in your darkest hour, look within yourself to find that ray of light that keeps you going. It's there, you just have to keep looking until you find it. 

Without hope, what's the point?