Survival

I had a therapy session today which was really hard. It seems like every time I go she knows exactly how to break down my walls. I guess that's her job. It just feel really weird finally talking to someone about my past. I spent my entire life trying to stuff all of my horrible past experiences inside to forget about. The truth is though, I can never forget. I'll never be able to forget no matter how far down I stuff the past. So, I guess it's better to finally accept what happened to me and move on from these experiences instead of pretending they never happened. 

It is really hard living with this guilt. I blame myself for all the bad experiences that happened to me in my past. I talked a lot about the guilt with my therapist today and she tried to convince me that nothing was my fault, I was young, there was nothing more that could have been done to protect myself. I can't let go of the guilt though no matter how hard I try. No matter how hard I try to convince myself that I could have done nothing differently, I can't stop blaming myself. I really hope that one day I can overcome this because this weight on my shoulders is getting to be too much. 

The important thing though is that I survived. I have been through hell and back but I am a survivor. I made it through and I am only stronger because of these experiences. I know I'm a bit screwed up because of these things that happened to me, but it doesn't make me a bad person. It just makes me someone that needs to learn how to move past it all. I need to learn how to let that sink in because I always feel like my past experiences define the person that I am today. That's not the case though. Nothing can take back what happened and it's important that I learn how to let it go and let it stop affecting who I am today. 

I am still living with this fear. I'm still living with this guilt. The important thing is that I am still living. I may never fully get over what happened but I need to stop letting this fear control me. 

And I will.